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Philomen relinquished the ball to Lucas. Lucas hit the ball at the crossbar of the goal. 

Philomen relinquished the ball to Cobi, who hit it over the bar. 
They were going in a field.



The ball flew up into the air and hovered there for a minute.
Alexei hit the ball to Philomen. Philomen dribbled the ball to the centre line.

'Not at all, you rastafarian rascal!' said Lucas.
'Well, you'd wear all grey, you'd never smile, and you'd be talking about your accounts all the time..'
'My accounts are in disarray,' said Philomen.

Philomen booted the ball into the lake.
'One ball or two, Mr Lake?' he asked.
'You made it a lake-ball!' said Cobi.

Philomen swam into the lake to retrieve the ball.
'Rovers will take the cup this year!' shouted Alexei.
Philomen was getting cold, and he started a shivering dance.

'Come on out of there!' shouted Cobi.
'I feel funk-ay!' shouted Philomen. 
So Cobi, Lucas, and Alexei swam out into the lake to talk Philomen to the shore.
But Philomen waded out further, until he was in the sea of galilee.

Cobi, Lucas, and Alexei were little blurry figures in the distance. 
He watched 'Drop Dead Fred' on a sea-television.
Philomen waved to the ship that was passing by. It contained three Spanish fishermen.

They put their nets over the side of the ship.
Philomen headed the ball a hundred and twenty times. 
He was treading water. He went to Nebraska.

'You look well' said Mark, 'You look wet!'
'I've been in the sea..' said Philomen. 
'What for?'
'I'm a merman.'

Mark gave Philomen a bug wrapped in a leaf.
'What's this for?' 
'Just because..'
Philomen went to the polling booth.

He put a tick next to Obama's name.
'Am I supposed to put an X next to his name?' he thought. 
Lucas was watching football on the entertainment centre.
Philomen was hiding his nose from potential nose-inspectors.

Philomen's pint of ginger ale
Philomen made a picture of a bug in a leaf and sent it to Tescos Supermarket.

Philomen bought an original Rothko and hung it up in his bedroom. 
Rothko visited and said it could do with more space around it, to really bring it out in full effect.
He banged a nail into the wall.

'Does this go with the Rothko?' he asked.
Jackson Pollock said it did. 
In Philomen's mind, Jackson might have said something wonderful.
Brazil 2014. Russia 2018. Qatar 2022. World Cups are getting bigger numbers all the time.

He rowed a boat to the Alaskan waters.
He got out at Newhaven and went to a public house. They were playing a song by the Field Hamsters.
Philomen's drink stained the Buster Keaton coaster.



'You bust my buster!' said the landlord. 
He drew a picture of a bug in a leaf and sent it to Madison Avenue.
Alexei was watching a Buster Keaton movie at home.

Philomen asked the landlord whether the weather required we use wooden spoons in cookery. 
The landlord said 'Looks like you need a pint of Scottish Ale!'
He phoned his mum.

'Where are you?' she said.
'I've gone for a season in El Dorado.' 
Philomen made a toasted bun and posted it to San Diego.

He took a ship to the coast of Newfoundland in Australia.

He put a pile of dish rags on a compost heap and returned after an hour to see if they had decomposed.
"Tea and biscuits?"
"Yes please"

He poured himself a glass of gin, tonic, brandy, salsa dip and gravy. Then he poured it onto the plate after he thought he had heard a cry for help from afar.
A plate-louse was drunk for days. 
Philomen bought a pen by the Lawrence Hardy Foundation and wrote a series of 'a's and 'b's on a slip of paper he found at the bottom of a well.

He went to see if his vote for Obama had been counted. Since it had been at an unofficial voting booth, it would not be counted unless the Obama overall vote fell below 200%.
Obama visited the countryside.
Philomen drank a jar of beetroot juice, then claimed expenses on his shopping bill. 

'Interesting,' claimed the doctor.
Philomen poured himself a glass of tobasco juice with the essence of glace juniper berries. It was inedible.
Philomen bought a packet of pineapple leaves. He bought a sachet of pineapple pips and left them on a counter in McDonalds.

Cobi was watching a movie about Huckleberry Hound.

'All folk on the mailing list shall receive an ivory back scratcher!'
'The monkeymen shall scan each other's fur for hidden gemstones'
Philomen phoned Lucas. 
'Still got the ball?' enquired Lucas.

'Indeed. I can send it by filofax'
Philomen bought a bottle of Hellman's Kidderminster Mustard and placed it on top of a bag of Irish groceries.
'Maybe there is a New Deal,' said Philomen 'some people seem industrious with brooms. Jolly good..' 
Philomen opened a bottle of Kellman's Herefordshire Bottle Mustard. It sprayed on his white and black cardigan. He wiped it off with Kleenex, then Windex, then Porex.

Philomen ordered a carrot to be displayed in the museum of steam and engineering.
'What do people call a heart nowadays?' he wondered.
'I think.. 'me heartie'.' 
Philomen drank a bottle of Portuguese wine.



'I can blanche a liquorice stick' he said.
'I subsist in external sunshine.' 
Philomen drank a bottle of rum.
He opened a packet of marbles and spread them on the floor.

He felt like the gritmeister wanted him to eat grits and be merry
Lucas phoned 'dial-a-view' and got a view of Sidmouth, East Normandy. 
Philomen phoned 'dial-a-view' and got a free quart of squash delivered the next day.
He put a packet of marzipan under the desk at Heathrow.

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